


Adagio

by panda_shi



Series: the way we say goodbye [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Character Death, Deathfic, M/M, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:06:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panda_shi/pseuds/panda_shi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is a strange thing to wait for death. Iruka always thought that Kakashi would die before him, not the other way around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Adagio

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: THIS SHIT WILL MAKE YOU CRY LIKE A LITTLE GIRL -- I'M JUST SAYING. BUT I'M A WUSS THAT WAY. (Trigger warning courtesy of Meg)
> 
> Okay, I am very, VERY sure that there's a fuckton of typos, grammatical errors and whatnot in this piece but for the life of me, I cannot MAKE MYSELF reread it and correct it. It's a little ridiculous getting emotional over a written piece but... well, maybe with time. Bear with me, guys. Advanced apologies, too!
> 
> Post war -- can be considered AU.
> 
> Beta'd by sub_textual

 It is a strange thing to wait for death, Iruka thinks.

Back then, death to Iruka had meant maybe a severed spine, a blade to the liver or heart, or a cut against his throat. Death had meant glory maybe, in a battlefield where one's face can't even be recognized anymore from the carnage. Death had meant dog-tags being taken home and names being etched onto cracked stone. Death hadn't been a stranger during the war, or even after it, sometimes, in missions to maintain the village's name and to get it back on her feet.

Iruka had not expected this.

" _I'm_ working on it, sensei." Tsunade says, looking at him with fire in her eyes, determination of a leader, of a _medic_. 

Iruka just nods, sitting in the stiff chair in her office and then lowering his gaze.

He feels apprehension as much as he feels hope. Hope because Tsunade has sworn to work in finding a solution _around the clock_. Iruka feels hope because even if his disease has no known cure, Tsunade and the board of professionals previously explained that even if he doesn't make it, whoever gets poisoned like _this_ next time will have a cure. Iruka supposes that is how he will serve his village, on top of bleeding for it and teaching its children. His blood will be used to combat a poison that remains dormant after its initial treatment, but it doesn't go completely, it stays, a sub-level kind of agent _binding_ to the host's blood cells, mutating the center nuclei, and slowly, _slowly_ tearing everything apart from the inside -- one wouldn't even _know_ about it until it's too late.

Iruka discovers it too late.

Cloud had always been sneaky then, there's no reason for them not to be sneaky _now_. It had only taken a senbon, too.

Iruka is the kind to keep hope, anyway. All he has to do is look at the young faces in his classroom and that is enough. But under all that, there is an ugly bubbling toxicity of apprehension, the one that fuels his fear and robs him of his courage and bravery to keep his head up, to face _this_ in stride. There's only one face that keeps Iruka awake at night, keeps him thinking about how he was going to explain _this_ and worse, how he is going endure watching Hatake Kakashi come apart, just as slowly as his body will come apart.

It had started with a stubborn flu -- runny nose, aching joints, dry cough, migraines -- and the cough that had come with it never truly left Iruka. Then the migraines became so persistent that Iruka is almost always doped on painkillers just so that he can get through the day. 

That had been about two months ago, roughly around the same time when Kakashi had to leave for his long mission, a delegation as a General to Sand and then Rock after that, to strengthen alliances and organize their joint forces. Poor man didn't want to leave his sick lover for _so long_.

Now, Iruka has little to no appetite. He has to _force_ himself to eat _and_ try to keep it down. He has lost a lot of weight, muscle degeneration, his six pack slightly less defined now. He sleeps more now and because of it, Tsunade had to rearrange his shift at the academy, so that instead of eight, Iruka can come in at ten. She tells him he needs to stay on his toes, try to keep the circulation and mental sharpness strong. Iruka didn't think he needed to be reminded of _that_. He is trying and determined to do so on his own. It's ridiculous though, because for the past two weeks, every afternoon, Iruka has to report to the hospital just so that his doctors can hook him up to an IV line and pump essential nutrients into his system. Iruka is sure if hadn't been for that tiny concentrated bag of yellow fluid, he would never be able to get out of bed.

Still, Iruka goes grocery shopping, he cooks, he cleans. He reads more books than ever, he runs longer mileage, trains an extra half an hour and even started a new hobby -- knitting, gardening, carpentry. He made new shelves in the home he and Kakashi shares, made a nice rack for his herbs and plants. His garden looks pretty amazing now; Tenzou had been impressed, too.

It's going to be okay, he tells himself in a mantra every night before he falls asleep. It's the words that leaves him in a soft breath. And every morning, Iruka wakes up with a stronger will to remain strong, to hide his degenerating self from his kids, from _Naruto_.

One day, while Iruka is tending to the eggplants in his garden, an ANBU appears behind him. The masked shadow doesn't even say anything, simply kneels before Iruka and grasps him by the shoulders, _squeezing_.

Iruka's smile nearly splits the sky.

Twenty four hours later, Iruka is lying in the ICU, coughing _violently_ and unable to breathe. He is curled on his side and soaked in sweat and three minutes into the whole ordeal, he is clutching his side and _screaming_. He doesn't hear the flurry of orders Tsunade is barking, doesn't see her when she forces him on his back and pries his mouth open, shoving a breathing tube down his throat. He doesn't realize he has passed out until he wakes up _later_ feeling like utter _shit_.

"Iruka." Tsunade is beside him, pushing the hair off his face and gently helping him sit up when Iruka starts to shift.

"Hokage-sama." Iruka doesn't recognize his own voice and struggles to clear the cloudiness from his vision. "I can't see very clearly."

Tsunade nods. "Your vision has degenerated."

Iruka realizes that he has to struggle to hear her as well. His nose is also clogged again. Really, he is getting a little frustrated by the constant flu-like symptoms.

He listens then, as Tsunade explains that his body _can't_ take the cure. It isn't working because he is past the level where his immunity can handle _anything_. It is literally in shreds and it leaves him susceptible to even the most common bacterium. She explains that his primary senses might either go completely or just weaken severely. She also explains that with how his body is reacting, his motor function might deteriorate, but hopefully not to the point that he'd be immobile. She warns that his organs might go next, one by one. His heart is already weak as it is; he can't train as hard or run as fast or far anymore. 

That's all they can tell for now. Surprises can pop up, though.

Iruka eventually goes home with more medication and a bigger headache. He falls asleep on Kakashi's side of the bed that night, and simply feels extremely _tired._ As usual, he doesn't get much sleep from all the coughing. He feels irritated when he stains the pillow with red from the brutal coughing _again_. He tells himself to pick up more bedsheets from the market tomorrow.

One morning, while preparing breakfast, Iruka feels the wards buzz. He should have been happy that his lover is _finally_ home, nearly five months later. The truth is, Iruka isn't. He smiles though, when he turns to find Kakashi standing by the kitchen door way, tugging his forehead protector off and peeling his flak jacket off. Iruka's smile falters when he sees Kakashi's eyes narrow, sharpen as he looks at him up and down, takes in the thinner frame, the paler complexion, the rings under Iruka's eyes and the wrinkling of his nose when Iruka sniffs wetly.

"Still down with the flu?" Kakashi asked, concerned as he steps into Iruka's space, taking his face in his hands.

Iruka watches with a tight chest and the telltale of bitterness and fear prickling around the corner of his eyes. "Yes, well…"

Iruka closes his eyes when Kakashi leans forward and kisses his forehead, nose burying in his hair before he whispers a soft, _tadaima_.

Iruka responds in kind, and clears his throat to ward the cough away when he feels Kakashi's hands settle on his hips, wandering over his side and over his shoulder blades. Normally, the gesture is just Kakashi's way of grounding himself, to memorize and feel the lines of Iruka's body under his palms. This time though, Iruka knows it's Kakashi's way of seeing how much damage lies under the folds of Iruka's favorite red yukata, one that hangs a little looser on his frame, now.

Iruka simply chuckles and tugs Kakashi's hands off him, cupping his face and kissing his chin. He can't transfer his disease. Iruka is glad that at least this, as he presses another kiss to the corner of Kakashi's lips, hasn't been taken away from him. He has to blink a little bit and squint to see Kakashi's face, for more clarity. 

"Go wash up, and soak a bit. I think they can forgive you if you stay in and dally a bit home, ne, taichou?"

"They better." Kakashi huffs, shoulder slumping.

"Hurry now. I'll finish making breakfast."

Kakashi steals another kiss from his neck and wraps his arms around him, picking Iruka up. It makes Iruka laugh. The smile strains a bit at Kakashi's next question.

"Aren't you going to be late for school?"

"My schedule is different now. I don't go in until ten."

"Hmmm, I can accept this new arrangement."

Iruka's grin is a little genuine when he hears the lilting tone in Kakashi's words. He has to push the man off him, shoo him off in the direction of the stairs to clean up.

It is in the middle of slicing up the eggplants when Iruka nearly chokes on his cough. He is by the kitchen sink, running the tap and spitting blood down the drain. His stomach is starting to flare in pain in sync with his chest. He has to lean agains the counter, knuckles going white as he hacks and _hacks_ and feel his vision swim with black spots. He _curses_ , gets _angry_ , slams his fist against edge of the marble top and spits again, sticky rivers of red swirling down the drain. 

It feels like a lifetime later when Iruka straightens and reaches forward to rinse his mouth and get back to cooking. The miso soup is ruined, over boiled, Iruka notes with bitterness and freezes when he sees Kakashi standing _frozen_ by the door way, staring at the red mess around Iruka's mouth. 

Iruka's never seen Kakashi look like _that_ before. Wide eyes, eyebrows pinched and looking at Iruka like he's dying, light fading from _both_ his eyes. There's a tremor visible in Kakashi's frame and Iruka thinks it's just his poor vision. He laughs instead, turning away and rinsing his mouth. The laugh gains an edge of hysteria and for the first time in _months_ since he's been told that he is going to likely die, Iruka _cries_.

"I'm sorry, Kakashi. I'm so, so sorry!" He screams it out, chokes with the words against the tight embrace of Kakashi's arms, he _begs_ for forgiveness, swears to be strong and _stay_ with Kakashi because he promised to never leave him, to always be with him. Iruka repeats the apology over and over and over again.

It is nearly sunset by the time Iruka gets a hold of himself and he finds that he is waking up against Kakashi's chest in bed. He finds Kakashi's eyes are red and lined with a moistness that looks so out of place.

That night, Iruka tells Kakashi _everything_. What has happened, what is happening and what might happen _later_.

Kakashi simply nods and smiles a little.

It's enough to make Iruka break down again.

Things don't really improve by then.

Within the course of a month, Iruka leaves the Academy. He has foreseen that and is glad that he had spent the past several months training his successor. By the time he leaves the Academy, he is confident that things are going to be in very good hands. 

A month later, all his medications end up in the trash. They're useless, after all. Iruka simply tries to eat and drink healthy -- sometimes he's lucky that he is able to keep some of his food down. He even drinks and sings and dances when his friends throws him a birthday party. He is happy that he still feels hung over the next morning, waking up on a beach and Kakashi beside him.

They make love for hours, nearly all day. They build sandcastles and float in the waters lazily, holding hands.

Iruka doesn't think about how _this_ is his _last_ birthday.

He is _happy_.

Kakashi is with him everyday. He brushes Iruka's hair, walks around town with Iruka's hand in his, they watch movies together, watch plays. They even travel around on small holidays and one early summer, Kakashi takes Iruka to the top of the highest plain in Fire. They make love there too, and spend the night watching the stars, laughing by the fire and playing charades with each other. Kakashi does all these things for him -- he even surprises Iruka one day by bringing a young canary home, offering the small fluttering thing in between hands that are deadly but so gentle and caring -- hands that Iruka loves so, so much.

Iruka laughed from the heart, then.

"My silly, silly man." Iruka said, as he takes the chick and nuzzles it.

Iruka suddenly feels relieved one day, a little towards the beginning of autumn when Tsunade calls him in and tells him that a team has returned home with the same poison as he did almost a year ago, "It works, Iruka. You've brought us a cure. They're all going to be _fine._ "

Iruka feels something in him just _relax_ then. It is like a breath he's finally released and he smiles wide and happy and _real_ at his leader then, who looks away. He pretends to not see the tears she is trying to hide. She tells him that by the end of year, she is stepping down as Hokage, and Naruto -- little Naruto, his little boy, his little baby brother who has never left his side too, always coming over when he can and trying to learn how to cook and make ramen from scratch in Iruka's kitchen -- will continue the title.

He goes home that night with Tsunade's words making his heart skip beats in joy and pride: _you've served your village well, shinobi_.

One afternoon, Iruka is sitting against Kakashi's chest, under the sycamore tree in their back garden of the home they've shared for years since the war ended. Iruka's bony fingers hold Kakashi's thicker ones, fingertips that had felt a little numb now tracing the scars on Kakashi's palm and wrist. They are watching the sunset after having some tea and Iruka's favorite mochi that remained untouched. 

"Kakashi…" Iruka says softly, staring at the orange horizon. "You think Naruto will be okay? As Hokage?"

"Yes." Kakashi whispers against his temple. "He will be, sensei."

Iruka closes his eyes then. The horizon is suddenly too bright for him to keep staring. "He better be. I hear they've started making arrangements and hiring carvesmen to work on the mountains."

"Tenzou apparently is going to oversee some of finishing work." Kakashi murmurs, but the chuckle that comes with it is cracked and so _broken_.

Iruka simply smiles.

"I hope Naruto doesn't insist on a ridiculous expression. He has a knack for being, hmm, different, after all."

"Sensei…" 

Iruka knows that Kakashi can hear the finality in his voice, can feel the tiredness that is seeping from his already very frail body. In all honesty, Iruka is glad that he is lying like this, against Kakashi, in his arms, holding his hands with Kakashi's lips against his temple instead of a hospital bed, hooked to wires that would be useless. Iruka is _glad_ that he _refused_ all _that_. He is glad for the choice he made to _live_ instead.

"You are the best thing that has happened in my life, Kakashi." Iruka says after a long silence. He doesn't know if the stars are out yet. Iruka wants to see one more time, but finds that he is unable to open his eyes anymore. 

He smiles instead. 

"Shhh, Iruka…" Kakashi _begs_.

"I'm so happy to have loved you." Iruka says and hears the shallow breathing and rapid beating of Kakashi's heart. "Don't be afraid. I'm not. I'm.. grateful."

" _Iruka…"_

Iruka _hopes_ Kakashi will be okay. He's always been good at hoping even if it ends up being _useless_. 

Iruka sucks in a breath and feels his head swim. He had always thought that Kakashi would die before him and not the other way around. Iruka burrows a little against Kakashi's neck, and _inhales_ , all that smell of fields and musk, of devotion and strength and fear and _home_. 

It's the last breath Iruka takes.

"Thank you so much, Kakashi…"

The words are Iruka's last breath.

 

_fin_


End file.
